Sonic the… Philanthropist?

by on September 10, 2007 at 7:27 am
Posted In: Comic

Well, sorry for the hiatus, but I’ve just returned from a glorious trip to Japan, or as the locals call it, the Land of the Rising FUN! OK, they don’t really call it that, but they definitely should. While I wasn’t fighting off Ninjas, Godzilla, or Giant Robots from the Future, I managed to have quite a bit of fun, and even take some gaming related snapshots, for your pleasure!

I almost died when I saw those Sonic-themed garbage cans in one of the numerous SEGA arcades in Tokyo. After forcing myself to stop laughing, I checked inside and, sure enough, they were entirely full of irony. I actually had to stop and wonder whether someone just thought that they’d make a cute way to dispose of one’s waste, or if someone was actually trying to say something about the state of the franchise today.

Yes, unfortunately it’s true. Sonic’s career hasn’t been going well lately, and his last few games have been, well, garbage. For some reason, the people behind Sonic decided that, instead of sticking to the formula of fast-paced, exciting gameplay with fun moves and great controls, which is what made the series so popular in the first place, they’d try something different. And they’ve tried all sorts of things to get us interested, from putting him in poorly designed 3D worlds with wonky controls and horrible camera angles, all the way to explicit hedgehog/human interspecies kissing scenes. I can’t believe that didn’t work! In fact, I could probably go all day talking about things that are wrong with Sonic these days. I nearly gave up on the franchise completely when they changed Dr. Robotnik’s name to Dr. Eggman. Dr. Eggman?? Seriously?? First of all, if he really is a Doctor, he’d be smart enough to know that nobody in their right mind would be afraid of someone named Eggman. Secondly, everyone enjoys a good Russian adversary! Why ruin that?

But I guess we can’t be too hard on our speedy, blue friend. He is, after all, apparently something of a philanthropist, as you can see from the second picture. I was pretty surprised by this, but it clearly states that “helping the needy is his game”. I guess that explains why his games aren’t fun anymore. Nobody likes helping the needy! When I tried doing some research into what organizations he supports, the only information I could find is that I was too lazy to do any research. So I have no idea. But I think both Chilidogs for Children, and the Association for Crippled People Who Also Happen to Love Incredibly Fast Blue Hedgehogs, But Are Still Crippled (ACPWAHLIFBH,BASC) are both pretty good candidates.

But, while I am a big fan of charity (other people’s), I just hope Sonic remembers that there are some needy people out there who just need another good Sonic game. Nobody needs crappy games, Sonic. Nobody.

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The Top Ten Worst Habits of Non-Gamers. (Part 2)

by on August 27, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Posted In: Comic

5. Mislabeling Consoles. Honestly, guys. There are only 3 three of them. They’re easier to keep track of than Rosie O’Donnell at any place with a buffet. And yet, when I was growing up, everything was a Nintendo. Then, for a few magical years, every game system in the known universe changed into a Playstation. Now, my own fiancée calls my last-gen Nintendo system a GameBox! I don’t care if you don’t know what an Atari or a Jaguar is, all you really need to know to avoid sounding like you have the equivalent of a preschool-level understanding of pop culture are the three iterations of the current generation. Know them, learn them, love them.

4. Watching TV. This isn’t as much of a problem now that I’m the man of my house and am master of my domain. And I live by myself. But when you live with multiple people and the only TV in the house is being used to watch Martha Stewart’s guide to building your own sweat shop, this is a HUGE problem. Anything that interferes with my gaming is serious business. I don’t care if it’s the Oprah episode where she gives the entire audience their own Tom Cruise. Kratos does not wait for Oprah!

3. Playing Games. Yes, really. There seems to be a new trend going on that has people who once wouldn’t be caught dead playing a video game, doing just that. Why is this a problem? Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, there happen to be quite a few non-gamers out there. And when this large demographic starts throwing money at developers, they listen. And what we end up with are companies like Ubisoft and EA making games like Fashion Academy and Happy Shiny Glitter Party 2: Pillowfight! This is wrong. Big developers should spend their time making big, um.., developments. So cut the crap. I’m sure you had fun playing your silly little games, but it’s time to ship Pony Friend off to the glue factory.

2. Stereotyping Gamers: Note to World: Gamers are not fat, hairy, pale-skinned slobs living in their mother’s basements that shy away from anything involving the words “social” or “interaction” while upping the stats on their fake, digital girlfriend(s). Seriously, are people really surprised by this? I know that we, being a part of the larger geek culture, like to indulge in the occasional self-deprecatory joke to this affect, but that’s really all it is. Sure, there are those types, but they’re exceptionally few and far between. Most of the gamers that I know are perfectly normal, social beings with acceptable levels of hygiene who, just coincidentally, happen to have fake, digital girlfriends. Just something for you to think about while I go give my girlfriend the Magical Sword of Enhancement (Boobs +9!!!!!!!).

1. Calling Mario Mary-o. I’m not exactly sure why, but for some reason this is more irritating to me than sitting behind Abraham Lincoln at the theater. It’s probably because, unlike the Link/Zelda problem, there’s absolutely no basis for this pronunciatory travesty other than a complete ignorance of all things game. Every time I hear it, it’s like getting slapped across the face with a water buffalo. It’s as if every time someone says it, what they’re really trying to say is “gaming is so unimportant that I don’t even know how to pronounce the name of the single most recognizable game character in existence. And in fact, I’m pretty sure that on my list of things to know about, Video Games comes right after Riverdance and How To Eat My Left Arm.”

Well, I’m sure you can relate to these as much I can. Let me know if I missed any!

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The Top Ten Worst Habits of Non-Gamers. (Part 1)

by on August 20, 2007 at 12:01 am
Posted In: Comic

“No, don’t do it!” screamed the little voice inside my head. “The online gaming community has too many top ten lists already! You’ll be considered trite and unimaginative!” My surprisingly dramatic, yet somewhat redundant inner voice was right. But I decided to forge on anyway. There was one problem, though. I needed a way to make my top ten list different from the billions of lists already out there. “I know!” said the voice. “Don’t make one!” Again, sound advice, but too easy. That’s when I got a brilliant idea: I would make my top ten list about non-gamers! Brilliant! And so without further ado, here is part one of the 10 worst habits of non-gamers.

10. Calling Link Zelda. This one is all the way up at number 10 not because it isn’t annoying, but because it’s really partially Nintendo’s fault. Seriously, why would you name a game after someone other than the hero? How does being constantly captured and endangering your entire kingdom warrant having your name in the title? I hereby put out a call to all of Gamerdom to educate the masses, and put an end to this injustice. Please, do it for the children.

9. Blaming Violence on Video Games. This is another one that some might think would be a little higher on the list. The reason it’s not is that I’m so tired of it. Just because a violent person plays violent games doesn’t mean they made him that way. Most likely, he plays them because he likes them. Because he’s violent. Now do we see a connection? But possibly most damning to this theory is its own chief proselytizer, “attorney” and Florida State Douchebag, Jack Thompson. Among his many claims to fame is the fact that he was the very first one to invent a connection between video games and the VA Tech shootings. Way to go Jack! In fact, I would be considerably more inclined to believe that HE causes violent behavior.

8. Pretending To Be Gamers. OK, admittedly not a huge problem, but existent nonetheless. Yes, I’m talking to you, Hot Chick Who Poses for Pictures Wearing Naught But Nintendo Controllers. We all know you’re not a gamer, and we all know you just want our cash. So why not just get rid of the game controllers? It makes for a better shot, and it’ll seem less like your trying to exploit us. Slightly.

7. Rating Video Games. Ah yes, the good ol’ ESRB. I don’t know who they are or what made them so lame, but one this is for sure: they’re not gamers. If they were gamers, they would no doubt have a much keener sense for this sort of thing. The inconsistencies in their system stick out more than Mr. T at a gay pride parade. Or really, Mr. T anywhere he goes.

6. Making Game Movies. There are so many great games out there that would really make fantastic movies. Qbert and Pong are two that immediately come to mind. And yet, most franchises that end up trying to make the leap from console to big screen inevitably fall short. Into a big, steamy pile of crap. As with any major injustice, it’s always nice to have someone to direct the entirety of our anger towards, and one man has been kind enough to step forward and assume the position, so to speak. Yes, much like the baboon with the biggest, reddest ass stands out amongst his peers, so does “filmmaker” Uwe Boll. He has taken it upon himself to create more, crappier game movies than any other person, just so we would have someone to blame. Well, that’s the only reason I can think of, anyhow. If you’re unfamiliar with Boll, his body of work includes movies based off the games Bloodrayne, House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark. Each of these movies garnered about the same amount of critical acclaim as the bologna sandwich I had for lunch.

Continue to Part 2>>

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Nintendo expands the market, yet again.

by on August 13, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Posted In: Comic

As most of you know, much of Nintendo’s focus this generation has been on expanding the market for games. What was once a pastime unique to young boys and men is now also the realm of females, the elderly, stupid people, perverts, and whatever Martha Stewart is. Now that all of the major demographics are covered, Nintendo is poised to take it a step further by opening up two previously completely untapped markets: Unborn Babies and Dead Folk.

The two titles above are just the first in a new line of gaming software targeted towards the consciously impaired. While some might hail this move as “completely retarded,” or “Whaaa??” I say bravo, Nintendo. This is obviously a calculated and well thought out decision on their part. Seriously, just think about how many dead people there are! I can think of at least five, right now. And Japan is the perfect place to launch these titles, too. In the land where “games” such as, and I’m not making these up, Brain Age, Face Training, Common Sense Training, and My Happy Manner Book already exist, you can’t go wrong.

Big Brain Academy: Prenatal Training, of course, will prey on parents’ instincts to give their children the best head start that they can. After the custom Tiny DS is surgically implanted into the womb through a slightly painful procedure known as a DS-Section, the DS will play soothing music for the fetus and reward it for actions such as kicking, squirming, and developing vital organs. The battery lasts for a good 24 hours so you’ll only need to recharge it once a day. This is done through a different procedure, which is known as Cutting You Open And Sticking a Power Cord Into Your Stomach.

Corpse Training DS, on the other hand, is designed for those that have already used their final continue, so to speak. It will provide your lifeless cadaver with training in the ancient arts of stench, decay, and lying underground in a box for long periods of time. And, in yet another gaming revolution, Nintendo is also claiming that purchasing Corpse Training DS for your decaying loved ones is basically like buying them a ticket to heaven. Corpse Training DS comes complete with all the tips and tricks they’ll need to get past those pearly gates. The bad news, though, is that this title has been delayed due to lack of responsive play testers.

All in all, it’s definitely a good time be either entering or leaving the world. In fact, you can bet that if this new trend of catering to the non-gamers continues, I’ll probably start wishing I was dead.

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Profile of a Gamer (As Determined by Targeted Advertising)

by on July 30, 2007 at 9:31 am
Posted In: Comic

Who am I? Why am I here? How, exactly, did I lose one metric ton of albino African rhinoceros feces? These are all questions that we regularly ask ourselves, but have yet to find definitive answers to. Until now, that is. To answer the first question, I am a gamer. But what does that say about me? After collecting massive amounts of data and research over a period spanning the greater part an hour, I feel I am finally prepared to answer this question. You can see the results in graphic form at the top of the page.

But how did I arrive at these conclusive results? In fact, it is a tale of untold sacrifice and perseverance. At least, it was before I told you about it. You see, in order to gain the necessary data, I forced my self to undertake the morally questionable task of watching G4 TV for an entire hour. Now, as we all know, there is only one reason for watching G4 TV, and her name is Olivia Munn. I, however, was watching for the ads (which, incidentally, turned out to be much easier than watching the actual content). I figured that, by watching the ads on a network targeted at gamers, I would be able to create a detailed and unequivocally accurate profile of the average gamer.

So who were the major players? The answers might surprise you. Or, they might not. Either way, one of the most frequent advertisers on the network turned out to be Bosley, the hair restoration experts. Obviously, this would indicate that the average gamer is probably balding, and is thus around the age of 40. So far so good, no real surprises there. Another group of advertisers can be lumped into a category I’m going to call “smelly-good stuff”, and included advertisers such as Tag body spray and Old Spice. From this we can conclude that the average gamer has at least a medium-high level of stink, with the majority possessing enough stink to produce visible stink lines. Once again, no real surprises.

It does get a little more interesting, though. For example, easily the most ubiquitous advertisement was one for the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week. Really, the only possible conclusion here is that gamers love sharks and are therefore eXtreme. Yes, that was a capital X, and, yes, I went there. Probably the most common group of advertisements were those for loans. While these ads were probably targeted more towards PS3 owners (zing!), it’s probably pretty safe to assume that most gamers are pretty strapped for cash. This theory was even further reinforced by ads for Cash4Gold.com. Assuming they didn’t mean Warcraft gold, I feel I can safely conclude that the average gamer is short on cash but probably has a fairly large stockpile of gold somewhere.

Food was another category that garnered a large amount of ad time.  Common themes among the various foods and beverages that were advertised included a lack of nutritional content, and lack of preparation necessary for consumption. This can only mean that gamers are extremely busy and always on the go. Also, they’re fat.

Finally, one of the more lasting impressions was made by the enormous amount of commercials for the US Army. The reasons for this apparent propensity of gamers for being military fodder are most likely twofold. First, it’s likely that years of playing first-person shooters have trained us and honed our skills to a point where we make natural soldiers. It’s also just as likely that we’ve wasted our lives playing video games and thus have no marketable skills and/or future.

Well, I hope that gives you a better idea of who you are. I’m off to go find some rhino poo.

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