GeekRising

5. Mislabeling Consoles. Honestly, guys. There are only 3 three of them. They’re easier to keep track of than Rosie O’Donnell at any place with a buffet. And yet, when I was growing up, everything was a Nintendo. Then, for a few magical years, every game system in the known universe changed into a Playstation. Now, my own fiancée calls my last-gen Nintendo system a GameBox! I don’t care if you don’t know what an Atari or a Jaguar is, all you really need to know to avoid sounding like you have the equivalent of a preschool-level understanding of pop culture are the three iterations of the current generation. Know them, learn them, love them.

4. Watching TV. This isn’t as much of a problem now that I’m the man of my house and am master of my domain. And I live by myself. But when you live with multiple people and the only TV in the house is being used to watch Martha Stewart’s guide to building your own sweat shop, this is a HUGE problem. Anything that interferes with my gaming is serious business. I don’t care if it’s the Oprah episode where she gives the entire audience their own Tom Cruise. Kratos does not wait for Oprah!

3. Playing Games. Yes, really. There seems to be a new trend going on that has people who once wouldn’t be caught dead playing a video game, doing just that. Why is this a problem? Well, I’m glad you asked. You see, there happen to be quite a few non-gamers out there. And when this large demographic starts throwing money at developers, they listen. And what we end up with are companies like Ubisoft and EA making games like Fashion Academy and Happy Shiny Glitter Party 2: Pillowfight! This is wrong. Big developers should spend their time making big, um.., developments. So cut the crap. I’m sure you had fun playing your silly little games, but it’s time to ship Pony Friend off to the glue factory.

2. Stereotyping Gamers: Note to World: Gamers are not fat, hairy, pale-skinned slobs living in their mother’s basements that shy away from anything involving the words “social” or “interaction” while upping the stats on their fake, digital girlfriend(s). Seriously, are people really surprised by this? I know that we, being a part of the larger geek culture, like to indulge in the occasional self-deprecatory joke to this affect, but that’s really all it is. Sure, there are those types, but they’re exceptionally few and far between. Most of the gamers that I know are perfectly normal, social beings with acceptable levels of hygiene who, just coincidentally, happen to have fake, digital girlfriends. Just something for you to think about while I go give my girlfriend the Magical Sword of Enhancement (Boobs +9!!!!!!!).

1. Calling Mario Mary-o. I’m not exactly sure why, but for some reason this is more irritating to me than sitting behind Abraham Lincoln at the theater. It’s probably because, unlike the Link/Zelda problem, there’s absolutely no basis for this pronunciatory travesty other than a complete ignorance of all things game. Every time I hear it, it’s like getting slapped across the face with a water buffalo. It’s as if every time someone says it, what they’re really trying to say is “gaming is so unimportant that I don’t even know how to pronounce the name of the single most recognizable game character in existence. And in fact, I’m pretty sure that on my list of things to know about, Video Games comes right after Riverdance and How To Eat My Left Arm.”

Well, I’m sure you can relate to these as much I can. Let me know if I missed any!