GeekRising

As most of you know, much of Nintendo’s focus this generation has been on expanding the market for games. What was once a pastime unique to young boys and men is now also the realm of females, the elderly, stupid people, perverts, and whatever Martha Stewart is. Now that all of the major demographics are covered, Nintendo is poised to take it a step further by opening up two previously completely untapped markets: Unborn Babies and Dead Folk.

The two titles above are just the first in a new line of gaming software targeted towards the consciously impaired. While some might hail this move as “completely retarded,” or “Whaaa??” I say bravo, Nintendo. This is obviously a calculated and well thought out decision on their part. Seriously, just think about how many dead people there are! I can think of at least five, right now. And Japan is the perfect place to launch these titles, too. In the land where “games” such as, and I’m not making these up, Brain Age, Face Training, Common Sense Training, and My Happy Manner Book already exist, you can’t go wrong.

Big Brain Academy: Prenatal Training, of course, will prey on parents’ instincts to give their children the best head start that they can. After the custom Tiny DS is surgically implanted into the womb through a slightly painful procedure known as a DS-Section, the DS will play soothing music for the fetus and reward it for actions such as kicking, squirming, and developing vital organs. The battery lasts for a good 24 hours so you’ll only need to recharge it once a day. This is done through a different procedure, which is known as Cutting You Open And Sticking a Power Cord Into Your Stomach.

Corpse Training DS, on the other hand, is designed for those that have already used their final continue, so to speak. It will provide your lifeless cadaver with training in the ancient arts of stench, decay, and lying underground in a box for long periods of time. And, in yet another gaming revolution, Nintendo is also claiming that purchasing Corpse Training DS for your decaying loved ones is basically like buying them a ticket to heaven. Corpse Training DS comes complete with all the tips and tricks they’ll need to get past those pearly gates. The bad news, though, is that this title has been delayed due to lack of responsive play testers.

All in all, it’s definitely a good time be either entering or leaving the world. In fact, you can bet that if this new trend of catering to the non-gamers continues, I’ll probably start wishing I was dead.