The Wii Zapper Will Destroy Your Children
Last week, in what some might call “an absurdly ridiculous overreaction to an innocuous piece of plastic which demonstrates a supreme misunderstanding of the universe and all things in it,” some very concerned parents from the state of New Jersey, raised concern over Nintendo’s newest peripheral, the Wii Zapper. To be specific, their concern was that this new accessory would single-handedly be responsible for transforming America’s youth into blood-crazed demons whose thirst for destruction could be slated only by the complete destruction all things even remotely good. In presenting this theory, these concerned citizens have only confirmed what most of us have known for a long time: New Jersey is America’s salvation.
However, these parents are not without their critics. These critics, or so-called “level-headed people with a firm grasp on reality,” have taken to attacking these watchdogs of the American way. They claim that statements like “Why don’t they enclose an application to the NRA in every box as well,” and, “What’s next? Could we make it squirt blood, too?” are gross exaggerations of the severity of the issue. But these statements are no exaggeration. And I should know; I exaggerate more than anyone in the entire world.
Yes, I’m afraid that this issue is in fact very serious. As you can see from the convenient comparison I have provided above, the Wii Zapper is a very dangerous weapon indeed. It beats out the AK-47 in every category that I saw fit to compare. How could a weapon with this much deadly potential slip past the eyes of our ever-caring Government? There’s only one possible answer: Subterfuge! Japanese subterfuge, to be more specific. You see, the Japanese are smart, and they know that this is the perfect time attack. A time when American children are being constantly bombarded with violent media and poor parenting, thus leaving them incredibly susceptible! They’ve cleverly disguised this weapon as toy in order to train the youth of our nation to become violent.
Don’t believe me? All you have to do is take a look at the software that is to be included with this apocalyptic accessory. It’s a “game” called Link’s Crossbow Training. That’s right, you read correctly: TRAINING. They’re finally admitting what the disillusioned minority has been proclaiming for years! These so-called games are training people to be killers! Maybe you don’t believe me now, but you’ll come around once this thing hits the streets. You’ll know when it does by the sudden rise in crossbow related deaths. And if you’re thinking the same thing I am, then you’re too late. I’ve already filed a patent for a crossbow detector.